Reflection: January 6, 2009

The hardest thing I've ever had to do was leave John so they could prep him for surgery. It physically hurt me to walk away from him as he was lying in the hospital bed with the nurse starting various pre-op procedures. She let me stay 5 extra minutes while she went to get the last of her supplies and then I had to tear myself away and walk into the hall by myself. By myself. What was going to happen? The surgery was going to be 5 hours long and anything can happen. Would he come out of it? Would they get the cancer? What if the cancer had done damage to his pancreas? What was going to be left when they were done cutting? Would he ever leave the hospital? What was going to happen to the rest of our life? his life? my life?  Was I going to be a 33 year old widow? All those thoughts raced through my head as I walked through the white hallway, leaving John in the hands of the nurses and doctors. Now I knew it would be a hard day, but knew that it needed my positive thoughts to contribute to it's success. I prepared for my day by getting a bunch of pictures printed and brought my scissors and glue and photo album with me to keep me focused on all of the good things in our life. As I was sitting there with my project, a little old lady came up to me and told me how smart I was to bring my pictures and album to do while I waited. She said that she had a stack of pictures and should be doing the same thing. She asked if she could sit down with me while she waited for her appointment. I continued to work on my album as we chatted. I don't remember everything we said, but I told her about John's surgery and the seriousness of it. She talked about living alone and her son and how he usually brought her to her appointments (she was alone today though). Before she left to go to her doctor's waiting room, she asked what my husband's name was (I guess I had been referring to him as "my husband"). I remember thinking that it was weird that I didn't want anyone with me that day (although people offered, and thank you to them) but that I enjoyed talking to her. A little while later, presumably after her appointment, she came back and said that she wanted me to know that she had lost two husbands and that I would not be losing mine that day. She reached down and touched my shoulder and said "Whether or not you believe in God" (we hadn't discussed it) "I said a prayer for John, and he's going to be just fine." I got tears in my eyes and thanked her and she walked away. Now I don't know if I believe in angels or not, but I can't honestly tell you if she walked out through the doors or just simply vanished.