Now that life is back to normal, John and I have more than once talked about everything we've gone through this year and how grateful and lucky we are to have survived it. Survived it in general, and as a couple. His surgery was a big deal. The recovery was a big deal. The emotions that went with it were a big deal. The depression that went with it was a big deal. I was told when it all started to make sure that I still took care of myself as we were going through it all and I feel like I did. I took time to go get coffee and jog, I went home at night and ate real food and slept in my own bed and took care of my pets. And it worked. John's better and back to work, our relationship is as strong as ever, and aside from wanting to get a job again, I feel good about where everything has landed.
I knew it was important for me to work out during the long days at the hospital and made a point to jog around Laurelhurst Park on a regular basis. It was heavy jogging, with my head and heart still back at the hospital and even though I was surrounded by beauty, the weight of our situation was dragging behind me. I don't feel bad about it, and don't expect anyone else could have done better. One day as I made my way to the park, my ipod randomly hit three different songs from our wedding, which was interesting and kind of weird. I suppose it softened me up and when I got to the park and this song came on, I literally crumpled into a big heap in the trail and sat there and cried. and cried. for a long time. I know that song isn't about what we were going through, but it was enough of a trigger and now that's what it means for me. That was a hard day during a hard time and I feel it every time I hear the song. It kind of makes me love the song more though, because it reminds me of that time. For as strong as I was, and had to be, that one day in the park I was a puddle of tears, weak and scared and confused. and I usually cry when I hear the song, but I own it and feel proud that we made it.
This morning was the first day of a Boot Camp that I am taking with The Jens and it's held next to Laurelhurst Park. When I got there, I mentioned that I hadn't been there since JJ was in the hospital and didn't give it another thought. After our class inside, we decided to grab a mile jog around the park. As I was going along, all of a sudden everything was familiar to the time at the hospital. Every path and tree was the same as it was then and I guess I didn't realize that I'd left so much of my heart there. I cried all the way through my jog, unable to stop the tears (PS: Sorry Jen). I had no idea that it was still in there and I'm glad that it came out. It was pouring rain, so I'm hoping that helped to wash it away. For Boot Camp, we're supposed to have goals and my first one just became to make it around that park feeling strong and proud, remembering my time there, and not reliving it.